i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
