Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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