You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
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I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
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Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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