This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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