My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Less talking, more tequila
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
so much tequila, so little girl.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
