First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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