DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
