Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
