I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I can't turn off my feet"
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
