dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
