I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
