she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
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