Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I want a musical about memes.
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