What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
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