I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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