I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
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