i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
