paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Randomize
