What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
