every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
pray to the hookup gods
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
