I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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