I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
