i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
