ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
