The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
