so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Randomize
