The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
