Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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