He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Randomize
