I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
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