Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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