Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
