If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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