you're like a bully in the Christmas story
birth control should be required to get into college
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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