Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
