Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
