Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
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Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
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