I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
