as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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