Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
