Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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