Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
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After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
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I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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