i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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