do you think it i'm gay because i was in a 3 way lastnight?
well not if you dont touch the other dude and concentrate on the chic
what chic?
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
