Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
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