my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
25 Porn Addicts Admit Their Biggest Pet Peeves
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.