i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are