I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
