dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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