i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
time to smoke my breakfast
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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