I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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