I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
