My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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