fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
