i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
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