You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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