I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
