Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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