She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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