At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
He passed out mid-signature
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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